Current mood:	sick
Entry tags:	depression, piper, sadness

And then there were three

My baby is gone. I still can't believe it.

On Tuesday night, Mike and I were playing with the cats when we noticed that the pupil in Piper's right eye was bigger than her left, so the next morning I took her into see the vet. They poked and prodded her. Looked at her eye for a long time and told me to come back next week for a recheck because they were pretty sure it was glaucoma.

She seemed to be fine except for being a little tired until Friday morning when we noticed she was breathing hard. I chalked it up to her eye hurting, but by that afternoon she was breathing so hard we took her back to vet. They listened to her chest and heart for a while before asking us if they could take an x-ray. When the x-ray came back, it was bad news. Her entire chest cavity was filled with fluid, her heart was enlarged, and she had a mass in her chest. The diagnosis was Lymphoma, and the prognosis was she would be dead by Monday. I completely lost all composure and started sobbing hysterically and dry heaving in front of everyone.

We were then posed with two choices: Let her die of slow suffocation over the weekend, or put her to sleep now.

It was so hard. Piper was awake and alert. Making noise, giving kisses, purring, trying to wiggle free and explore. She seemed so full of life. I always thought we'd have more time together. I imagined her getting to experience snow for the first time, being there when we brought our first child home, getting to meet mom's dog...She would have loved Maggie. So many things that I thought she would be there for.

We took a long time with her. Trying to soak up as much love as we could. And then the vet scooped her up and took her away. She looked back at me as they were leaving, and my heart breaks every time I picture it in my mind. I hope that she knows we didn't want to make this choice, but we couldn't have bared to see her die in agony. I hope she knows that we loved her so much and that we would have done anything to make her well again. And I hope she knows that she will always be in our hearts. She made such a difference in our lives. She helped us through some of the hardest things we have ever gone through, and she was a blessing to everyone who met her.

I just can't believe she's gone. She was fine on Monday! She was so full of life. I feel like I want to scream. She was my baby! It was my job to protect her and keep her safe, and I couldn't. Not only could I not protect her, but I had to make the decision to end her life. This morning I pulled out to dishes to give them food and started calling for her to come eat. I've almost called out, "Pippa! Where are you bunny?" about a million times. I miss her so much sometimes I can scarcely breathe.

Mike and Casp are taking it really hard. She was Mike's kitty. She adored him. She greeted him everyday after work, brought him her toys, cuddled with him and slept wrapped around his feet. I don't think Caspian actually remembers life before living with us, so he's taking it especially hard. He misses her some thing fierce and has been searching the house endlessly.

I apologize for this post being poorly constructed. I just don't have it in me right now to be creative. I need some more time. There will be a memorial post for Piper though. I just have so much to say right now, but all words seem inadequate to express how I feel.